There have been so many rainy days lately.
The soft kind. The kind that makes everything feel slower & quieter.
& peculiarly… my body has been mirroring the weather.
I’ve been more tired than usual. Wanting to stay tucked away inside. Wanting silence. Wanting to spend time in the backyard instead of constantly thinking about what’s next or what I should be doing.
The other day I was outside for hours just stretching in the grass, dancing a little, listening to music. There was a light drizzle for a while & then the sun came back out. I remember standing there letting the warmth hit my skin & thinking about how much I’ve needed moments like that lately.
It feels like the Earth has been speaking to me more clearly than people have.
I think God sends messages through everything when we’re willing to pay attention long enough.
I was listening to “Father Stretch My Hands” by Pastor T.L. Barrett the other day & the choir brought me to tears.
When they sang,
“You’re the only power that can save this world today,”
Something about the way they sang it felt so human. not polished or performative. Just people crying out for something bigger than themselves.
I needed that cry.
Lately I’ve been reflecting on the way I show up in the world. The moments I can feel myself drifting too far from the path I know I’m supposed to walk.
The moments I realize I need to intentionally fall back & return to myself before continuing forward.
Because I do believe God wants me to be a source of love for people.
A source of healing & transformation.
A reminder.
A light.
But I also know I cannot pour from ego, performance, exhaustion, or noise.
I’m learning the difference between being seen & being useful.
& sometimes the most useful thing you can do is retreat long enough to hear yourself again.
That realization has been uncomfortable for me.
There’s pressure in feeling called toward something bigger than yourself while still not fully understanding what it is yet. Pressure in feeling your life changing internally before the evidence appears externally.
I still haven’t created my most healing offering yet.
I can feel that.
But for the first time, I’m no longer panicking about not knowing exactly what it looks like.
Surrender has been my real lesson lately.
Surrender as trust, & not defeat.
Trusting that even if I cannot see every turn ahead of me, I am still being guided somewhere beautiful.
Trusting that rest is not laziness.
That retreat is not failure.
That uncertainty is not abandonment.
Maybe becoming is supposed to feel this way.
Like standing barefoot in wet grass after the rain…
feeling the sun return slowly…
& realizing you are still growing, even here.
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